Here I am at 21, and I’m already feeling regret for my life choices. The choices feel both wrong and right. I’m in my 3rd year in college starting to work towards my bachelor’s degree. I’m going to school full time and working full time on top of that, but it doesn’t feel right.
I suppose I just want to have fun. It’s like feeling left out of something grand all the time when all I do is work, work, work. I have the majority of my adult life for that, and I feel this is the time in my life I should enjoy. I won’t be this young forever, and I feel like I’m throwing away all this valuable time to doing stuff I will inevitably do for the years to come (unless I win the lotto). I hear of people who have traveled around the world at my age, who go out to make new friends and meet new and interesting people. I have yet to make a good friend while in college. Most class friends are nothing more than that.
It also sucks trying to relate to some of my single friends too when we chat. They have this freedom, and whether they enjoy it or not, to them because I’ve been in a committed relationship for so long, I don’t understand. Yes, to some of them, they see all of these people our age getting married and having families and they feel alone. I understand, we all do really. Everyone at one point has felt alone one way or another. However, I guess I don’t understand the way in which they feel alone because I’m one of those people who found someone so young.
Unfortunately, most of my friends are single, or just not deep into a relationship, so when I try to get where they are coming from, I am as it feels, excluded from the topic because of where I stand. Empathy doesn’t exactly help here at times.
I would not throw away what I have just so I could feel included; I do however, sometimes miss the idea of that freedom even though I was never the type who made it my goal to get a guy when I went out. I just liked having fun with friends. I still do from time to time, don’t get me wrong but it’s just different. The fun that I had back when I was 17 or 19 was different. It’s sad to say, but I had better times back then. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
I try to stay focused. I made it my goal to go to college and get my degree with something that I love, and I want to finish it, but there’s just that part of me that lingers that just makes me want to drop it all and say fuck it. I don’t want to wait until I’m old to do the things that I’d be willing to do, but I also don’t want to get to that point and come back to reality with nothing to fall back on.
I know I’m not alone. This self - conflict is something I’m sure so many people have and do relate to this one way or another. There’s no books in school that tell you what you should do in life if you reach this point in your life. It’s just something you have to figure out your own and it sometimes sucks for someone as indecisive such as myself.
Party 👌 | via Tumblr no We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/67534704
I am so Thankful for so many things, my friends, family, career, and that I always have everything that I need.
I am so blessed!
Remember to tell your family and friends
Always to say
Of course to eat bunches of
And know that I am so thankful for all of you!
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! <3
Photos by Les-Piccolo
They’ve captured the beast